tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
