The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
