Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
