I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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