I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
