I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
