At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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