A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
