you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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