I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
