peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
This house was built for laser tag.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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