I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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