I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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