I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
