at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
where are you?
Hypothermia
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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