i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
