Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i came on her dog
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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