My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
