I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
