I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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