do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
