Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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