Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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