is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
