You smell like stripper and shame
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
