my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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