Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize