This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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