Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
