saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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