he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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