Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
