last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
