You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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