Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
