I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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