Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize