Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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