someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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