70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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