It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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