how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
