theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
should my penis look like a turkey
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
