im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
