I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
