you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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