i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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