ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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