I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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