i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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