My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
