That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Soap is not a condiment
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
