Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I want to fling myself into the sun
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
