Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
