I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
