My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
