There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
